Digest for Tuesday, October 28, 1997
There are 12 messages totalling 594 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Columbia Maryland
- sex education (obscene)
- Travails Of Heaven
- Joke-Clean-Terrible noise !(youre gonna get bugged)
- Halloween Joke
- The Best You Ever Had (adult)
- Humor - Bucolic Bliss
- modern day vampires
- Kitty Litter Cake! (only slightly upsetting)
- Gameshow
- Halloween Dos and Donts
- Will Rogers (not off)
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Date: Tue, 28 Oct 1997 03:38:31 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Columbia Maryland
* The Yuppie arrived at his Columbia Maryland home in a cab. His
wife was upset because he was obviously too drunk to drive and had
wisely taken a cab, but... had left his car at BWI Airport.
When she began to question his behavior, he replied, "Well don't
blame me. The Champagne Flight from Recife was stuck in a holding
pattern over BWI for almost two hours."
- - - - -
* Yuppette to husband in a fancy Columbia restaurant: "What was the
point of getting the VISA Platinum Card if you're going to sit there
and fret about the prices."
- - - - -
* I was standing in line with a lot of other people in a real popular
seafood carry-out in Columbia. At this store you could buy hard crabs
either live or steamed. They're sold by size.
As I was standing there waiting my turn, my attention was drawn to
the various containers of live crabs. I watched one climb out of the
$12.00/dozen container after several tries, and land in the $15.00 per
dozen bin.
At that point I noticed a lady also watching this one crab. I caught
her attention and said, "Only in Columbia."
Understanding exactly what I meant, she shook her head in agreement.
- - - - -
* It was late afternoon at the Columbia Mall, crowded with shoppers,
when a distraught looking lil' Yuppette dashed to a phone and called
a cab. Then she stood there outside until the taxi drove up.
"Where to lady ?" the driver asked.
"Just keep driving around the parking lot." she answered. "I'm
afraid I've lost my car again."
- - - - -
* Overheard at a Park and Ride in Columbia: "My family doesn't need
consumer education -- they're natural born consumers."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy humor ? Visit me @
(jokes page) http://www.mindspring.com/~vibes/jimmy.htm
(jokes posted) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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Date: Tue, 28 Oct 1997 01:41:45 -0800
From: Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: sex education (obscene)
[from Dim Wit's Daily Dose of Dirty Jokes]
There's this little Ozark family, Maw, Paw, Junior, and Sally.
One day Junior asks, "Paw, whut's sex?"
Paw sits back, thinks about it, and replies, "Well, Junior, I reckon yore
'bout ol'nuff to find out. Maw, take off all yer clothes, jump up on the
bed, and spread'n'em legs."
After Maw is undressed and lying on the bed, Paw looks at Junior and says,
"You see that there hole on Maw? Well, jist watch ol' Paw." Paw jumps on
top of Maw and starts doing her every which way.
About this time, Sally walks in, walks over to Junior and whispers,
"Jun...Junior, wh-whut's that?"
Junior, being a man of the world now, looks back at Sally and grins, "That's
whatcha call 'sex'. You see that there hole on Paw? Jist watch ol' Junior..."
Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu
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Date: Tue, 28 Oct 1997 09:32:13 -0500
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Travails Of Heaven <clean>
Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a
tragic car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates
of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a
method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be
judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen
accordingly."
St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You
cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around
Heaven in an old beat up Dodge."
Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you
still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel
around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon."
St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine
example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated
on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a
Ferrari."
A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's
Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying.
"What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You are set
forever! Why so down?"
Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my
wife go by on a skate board."
Chalapathi
B-)
"Plus ca change,plus c'est la meme chose"
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Date: Tue, 28 Oct 1997 15:47:00 PST
From: RAO NIKHIL K. /ILF/WRO <NIKHIL@ICICIBZO.ICICI.ERNET.IN>
Subject: Joke-Clean-Terrible noise !(you're gonna get bugged)
> There`s a Scottishman, an Englishman and an Irishman. They`ve got lost
>in a massive forest and are cold, hungry and thirsty. The Englishman finds
>a nuns convent and thinks great, a bed and some food. He knocks on the
>door and a nun invites him in, they are all very welcoming and give him
>food and drink. After that they sort him out with a room to use for the
>night. After being asleep for a few hours he wakes up to this hideously
>loud thumping noise that terrifies him. He finds a nun and asks her what
>this terrible noise is. She replies "I can`t tell you, you`re not a nun."
>At this the Englishman flees the convent.
>
> Later that night, the Scottish man comes across the convent and thinks
>"great!" The nuns welcome him in and give him food and drink. Later they
>give him a room to spend the night in. A few hours after being asleep, he
>wakes up to the hideous noise. He asks one of the nuns what it is, but the
>nun replies "I can`t tell you, you`re not a nun". At this, he leaves the
>convent.
> Even later that night, the Irishman goes into the convent. He has food
>and drink, then goes to bed. During the night he wakes up to this
>frightening banging noise. He goes out in the corridor and asks a nun what
>the noise is. She replies "I can`t tell you, you`re not a nun!" At this he
>finds a
>store cupboard containing a nuns habit. He puts it on and finds a nun.
> He says to her "Hello, I`m sister Riley, the new nun, can you please
>tell me what that terrible noise is?" "I`ll do better than that, I`ll show
>you, follow me!" she says. She takes him up a corridor to two big oak
>doors, through the doors is a
>long winding staircase leading to two big iron doors. Through these doors
>there is a massive room with a hole in the floor and a ladder leading down
>the hole. They go down the ladder into another room and through another
>door. Then the nun says to him "This is where the noise is coming from!"
>Question: Do you know what it was?................................
>
><Scroll Down> to find the answer...........
>
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>...................... SORRY, I can`t tell you, you`re not a nun.!!!
>HAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA!!!!
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Date: Tue, 28 Oct 1997 08:21:42 EST
From: Tim J. Olsonbach <timo724@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Halloween Joke <clean>
Q: What happens when you goose a ghost?
A: You get a hand full of sheet!!
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Date: Tue, 28 Oct 1997 10:04:12 -0500
From: Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: The Best You Ever Had (adult)
> A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous
> babe walking in on the arm of some ugly schlep. He asks the
> bartender
> about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He
> watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive
> could be available to him.
>
> The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up
> again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches
> her. "Is it true you're a prostitute?" (Always a good opening line,
> BTW)
> "Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"
> "Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"
> "I get $100 just for a handjob. We can negotiate from there."
> "$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?"
> "You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door,
> and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid
> cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs. Trust
> me, it's worth it." The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides
> what
> the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable
> experience
> he's ever had. This handjob was better than any complete sexual
> experience in his miserable life.
>
> The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show
> up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.
> "Last night was incredible!"
> "Of course it was. Just wait til you try one of my blowjobs."
> "How much is that?"
> "$500"
> $500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"
> "You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks
> out front at a 12 story apartment building. "I paid cash for that
> building with the money I made on blowjobs. Trust me, it's worth
> it."
>
> Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves
> with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints-
> twice. The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows
> up. "I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me to go
> all
> the way?"
>
> She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the
> street, where between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You see
> that island?"
> "Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"
> She nods her head. "You bet. Had I been a woman, I'd own that
> island!"
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Date: Tue, 28 Oct 1997 10:00:29 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Bucolic Bliss
Copied from Ann Lander's Column --
Dear Ann Landers: When I read the letter about the woman who drove
everyone in the office crazy with her gum-cracking, I had the perfect
response. I don't know who wrote it, but here it is:
Bucolic Bliss
The gum-chewing student and cud-chewing cow
Look quite alike, but they're different somehow.
And what is the difference? I see it all now.
It's the intelligent look on the face of the cow.
-- Floyd Camp of Brownfield, Texas
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Note-- Ann Landers is a syndicated advice columnist.
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Date: Tue, 28 Oct 1997 11:06:08 -0500
From: Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: modern day vampires
The Top 15 Complaints of Modern Day Vampires
15 Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.
14 Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
13 Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.
12 Three Words: Daylight Savings Time
11 Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck
yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!"
10 After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find
clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.
9 After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.
8 No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
7 With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs
are suddenly off-limits.
6 No warm blood for miles around DC.
5 Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.
4 No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.
3 Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized
"hardbodies."
2 Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.
and the Number 1 Complaint of Modern Day Vampires...
1 Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.
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Date: Tue, 28 Oct 1997 14:06:01 -0500
From: Robert Bragner <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: Kitty Litter Cake! (only slightly upsetting)
This is a REAL (repeat REAL) recipe. It ought to make a great centerpiece for
a Halloween party instead of those tiresome old jack-o-lantern cakes. It would
be even more fun to pass it out to trick-or-treaters...
With the scoop of course.
Enjoy!
============================================================================
KITTY LITTER CAKE
1 Spice or German Chocolate Cake Mix
1 White Cake Mix
1 Large Package Vanilla Instant Pudding Mix
1 Package White Sandwich Cookies
Green Food Coloring
12 Small Tootsie Rolls
1 NEW Kitty Litter Box
1 NEW Kitty Litter Box Liner
1 NEW Pooper Scooper
Prepare cake mixes and bake according to box directions (any size pan).
Prepare pudding, chill until ready to assemble.
Crumble sandwich cookies in small batches in food processor, scraping often.
Set aside all but 1/4 cup. To the 1/4 cup of crumbs, add a few drops of green
food coloring and mix using fork or shake in a jar.
When cakes are cooled to room temp, crumble into a large bowl. Toss with half
the remaining cookie crumbs and chilled pudding. You probably won't need all
the pudding, mix the cake and "feel" it, you don't want it soggy, just moist;
gently combine.
Line litter box. Put mixture into box. Put 3 unwrapped tootsie rolls in
microwave safe dish and heat until softened. Shape ends so they are no longer
blunt, curving slightly. Repeat with 3 more tootsie rolls and bury in cake
mixture. Sprinkle the other half of cookie crumbs over top. Scatter green
crumbles lightly over top (chlorphyll in cat litter).
Heat 3 tootsie rolls in microwave until almost melted. Scrape them on top of
the cake and sprinkle with cookie crumbs. Spread remaining tootsie rolls over
top; take one and heat until pliable, hang over side of litter box, sprinkle
with cookie crumbs.
=============================================================================
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Date: Tue, 28 Oct 1997 11:26:26 PDT
From: Mark Huth <mhuth@RODGERS.RAIN.COM>
Subject: Gameshow <sexual innuendo>
Jane was a first time contestant on the $465,000 quiz show, where you
have to answer questions to win the cash prize. Lady luck had smiled
in her favour, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents.
She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time
had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.
Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was
nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.
"I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are.
You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look
like garbage tomorrow.
"Relax, honey," her husband, Bubba, reassured her, "It will all be
OK." Ten minutes after they arrived home, Bubba grabbed the
car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?"
Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."
He replied. Jane waited impatiently for Bubba's return. After an
agonising 3 hour absence, Bubba returned, sporting a very wide and
wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and
answer!"
"What is it?" she cried excitedly. "OK. The question is 'What are
the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is
'The head, the heart, and the penis.' "
Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling
confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber.
At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Bubba, who
was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the
penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Bubba
asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her
teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even
though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the
butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through
her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the
audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big
question. "Jane, for $465,000, what are the main parts of the male
anatomy? You have 10 seconds." "Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said
nervously. "Very good. Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?"
"Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn!
My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of
my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough," Said the game show host," CONGRATULATIONS!!"
Mark Huth
Rodgers Instrument Corporation
mhuth@rodgers.rain.com
http://www.rodgerscorp.com
Experience enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.
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Date: Tue, 28 Oct 1997 15:25:00 EST
From: Jon Bisbey <jonb@NORTEL.CA>
Subject: Hallowe'en Do's and Don'ts
Extracted from a posting in rec.crafts.textiles.needlework (not by me!)
Halloween Survival Guide
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
*When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see
if it's really dead.
*If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetary, was once
a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or
committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants
who performed satanic practices in your house, move away immediately.
*Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
*Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
*If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they
should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other
than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief
in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill
them, so be prepared.
*When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.
*As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
*Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave,
tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
*If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out
that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your
life.*
*If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
*Do not take *anything* from the dead.
*If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason.
Take the hint and stay away.
*Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know
what you're doing.
*If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at
least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that,
despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely
shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
*If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior
such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing
hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
*Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed
here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble
if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in
Maine.
*If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby
deserted-looking house to phone for help.
*Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge
trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches,
soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.
.----------------------.---------------------.------------------------.
| Jon Bisbey | Ph: 1-613-765-4975 | Can you be a closet |
|E-Mail: jonb@nortel.ca| Fax: 1-613-765-2403 | claustrophobic? |
:----------------------'---------------------'------------------------:
|Nortel Technology, P.O. Box 3511, Stn C, Ottawa, Ont, K1Y-4H7, Canada|
`---------------------------------------------------------------------'
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Date: Tue, 28 Oct 1997 16:41:37 -0500
From: Doug McNees <PADLEOS@AOL.COM>
Subject: Will Rogers (not off)
THINGS WILL ROGERS NEVER SAID
(but probably wishes he had)
--A bachelor is fellow who believes he is entitled to life,
liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
--Gossip is letting the chat out of the bag.
--After all is said and done, there's more said than done.
--Tact is the art of making guests feel at home when that's where
you wish they were.
--Did you ever wonder why there are no father-in-law jokes?
--It's bad to supress laughter--it backs up and gives you
a fat head.
--The only thing so simple that a child can operate it is a
grandparent.
--The only thing domestic about me is that I was born in
this country.
--Contrary to popular opinion, the Women's Lib movement did
not start when women got tired of dancing backward.
--I just got a physical and asked the doctor "How do I stand?"
He said "That's what puzzles me."
--Bill Edwards got fired as a pharmacist. He kept breaking
the prescription bottles in the typewriter.
--A beggar asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said:
"First, let me see the sandwich."
--In school Maury was teacher's pet. He couldn't afford
a dog.
--Why is it that whenever a pilot points out things of interst,
they're always on the other side of the plane?
--Prejudice is a wonderful time-saver. You can form opinions
without bothering to obtain facts.
................................<0>..............................
Doug's Joke Book
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