Digest for Wednesday, June 01, 1994
There are 17 messages totalling 698 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Southerner Moves North (Foul Language)
- Old Folks Humor
- HUMOR: Morons at the Gate
- HUMOR:Talking animals, proud old man, OB joke (offensive to W.Va)
- Humor in the form of a fable
- Offensive to Women and Nancy Kerrigan
- The Far Side
- Humor about being born on the wrong side of the world
- FW: Recipe for Jellied Moose Nose
- Signs of a Rotten Day - Part 1/2
- Surefire Conversation Stoppers
- Life 4.M A collection of clean humor gathered on: 8 Jun 89
- Snaps (offensive Mother & family jokes)
- Speech Recoginition
- Man and dog joke
- Jewish humor (clean)
- David Lettermans Top Ten List for 06/01/94
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Date: Wed, 1 Jun 1994 06:52:53 -0400
From: Larry Randall <randall@MAILSTORM.DOT.GOV>
Subject: Southerner Moves North (Foul Language)
(VERY LONG)
Dear Diary:
Dec 8 5:00 PM, It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the
first one we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rums
and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down,
clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful.
Dec 9 We woke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the
landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a
beautiful white mantel. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and
loved it. I did both our driveway and sidewalk. Later a city snowplow
came along and accidently covered up our driveway with compacted snow from
the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled again.
Dec 10 It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature
dropped to 11 degrees (F). Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped
due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly
afterwords the snowplow came by again and did his trick. Much of the snow
is now brownish gray.
Dec 11 Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon
became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both
cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway, $145.00 for a chiropractor, but
nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected today.
Dec 12 Still cold, sold wifes car and bought a four wheel drive truck to
get her to work. Slid into guard rail anyway and did a lot of damage to
truck. Had another 8 inches of the white shit last night. More shoveling
in store for me today. That goddamm snowplow came by twice today.
Dec 13 2 Degrees (F) outside. More fucking snow. Not a tree or shrub that
hasen't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from
freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater which tipped over and
damm near burned the house down. I managed to put the flames out but
suffered second degree burns and lost ny eyebrows and eyelashes. Car slit
all the way to the hospital and was destroyed.
Dec 14 Godamm mother-fucking white shit keeps coming down. Have to put on
all the clothes we own just to get to the fucking mailbox. If I ever catch
the son-of-a-bitch that drives the snowplow I'll rip out his heart. Power
still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof has started to cave in.
Dec 15 6 godamm more inches of fucking snow and fucking sleet and fucking
ice and who knows what other kind of white shit fell last night. I wounded
the fucking snowplow asshole with an ice ax but he got away. Wife left me.
Car won't start. I think I'm going snow-blind. Can't move my toes. Haven't
seen the sun in weeks. More snow predicted. Wind chill factor -22fucking
degrees (F). Screw this shit I'm moving back to Georgia!!!!!!
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Date: Wed, 1 Jun 1994 07:45:12 -0500
From: NAME <ECLEMENT@ADMIN2.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Old Folks Humor
Many of the residents at the retirement home would while away the
afternoons in rocking chairs on the veranda, laps covered with those small
throws that keep old bones warm. Frequently, Emma sat next to Jake, and
with her hand under the throw on his lap, she would hold his member -- thus
keeping both of them a bit warm. One day, as Emma came out of the door to
join Jake, she saw that Ethel was sitting in
her
chair. And Ethel's hand
was certainly under Jake's cover! Hurt and angry, Emma went back to her
room. Later at supper, Emma found herself alone with Jake. She just had
to ask him... "Jake, what has Ethel got that I haven't?" And Jake, with
a gentle smile on his face answered, "Palsy."
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Date: Wed, 1 Jun 1994 08:37:00 -0500
From: Matthew Grob <Matthew.Grob@MCHIS.MED.NYU.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR: Morons at the Gate <may offend Catholics>
One day, three men of moronic mentality appeared at the gates of heaven.
Greeting them, St. Peter informed them that heaven was getting very full
and that to limit access to those truly of the faith, a simple test
would be administered consisting of one question - "What is Easter?"
The first moron answered, "Oh yeah, that's that holiday where the whole
family comes over, you eat turkey and stuffing and cranberry sauce,
there's a big parade in New York with Santa Claus at the end and there's
football games on TV."
Looking dejected, St. Peter simply shakes his head in amazement at the
moron's stupidity, and turns to the second man. "What is Easter?"
The second moron answers, "Easter, let's see. Hmmmm. Oh yeah, that's
the holiday where everything's green and you drink lots of beer and get
drunk. And I mean EVERYTHING's green - even the beer. And there's
parades too, and lots of Irish folk music."
Now looking as if he's on the verge of disgust, St. Peter again shakes
his head and raises his eyes to the sky as if to say, "Do you believe
this?" Slowly, and with great trepidation St. Peter turns to the third
moron. "What is Easter?" he asks with not much gusto.
The third moron thinks a moment before turning to St. Peter and stating
confidently, "Easter is the holiday that celebrates the resurrection of
Jesus Christ."
St. Peter looks up in amazement. A broad smile breaks out on his face
as he says to the man, "Go on, go on! Continue - PLEASE!"
"Well," the man continues, "the day after the last supper, they put
Christ on the cross to die. After he was dead, they took him to a cave
and buried him. Then, they rolled a big rock across the entrance to the
cave."
St. Peter, at this point, is so excited, he's hopping from one foot to
another. "GO ON!! GO ON!!"
The man continues. "On Easter Sunday, the rock is moved away from the
mouth of the cave. Early in the morning, Jesus sticks his head out of
the cave and if he sees his shadow, there's 8 more weeks of winter!"
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Date: Wed, 1 Jun 1994 10:14:52 -0400
From: TKENNETT@BENTLEY.EDU
Subject: HUMOR:Talking animals, proud old man, OB joke (offensive to W.Va)
Having fun with the farmer's son, the ventriloquist made it seem
that the animals in the barn were talking.
The son ran to his father and screamed,
"The animals in the barn are talking. Whatever the sheep says is a lie."
---
After failing to stop the eighty-three year old man from marrying an
eighteen year old, the doctor suggested the old man take in a border.
On his next visit the old man announced his wife was pregnant.
"Well," said the doctor, "at least you took in the border."
"Yes," crowed the old man, "and she's pregnant too."
Alicino & Wilson
---
What's West Virginia forplay?
Here sheepie, sheepie, sheepie.
Cindi Hagley
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Date: Wed, 1 Jun 1994 11:01:40 EST
From: Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Humor in the form of a fable
There is an ancient story of the Middle East about a scorpion who
asked a tortoise to ferry him across the Nile. The tortoise was
hesitant. "You'll bite me and I'll die," he said.
The scorpion promised not to bite him, and crawled up on the
tortoise's back as they plunged into the river.
Halfway across, the scorpion bit the tortoise.
"Why did you break your promise?" wailed the tortoise. "Now we'll
both die."
"I couldn't hlep myself. It's a way of life here in the Middle East."
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Date: Wed, 1 Jun 1994 10:07:12 -0500
From: Steve, Ext. 2337 <chastain@SWIRL.MONSANTO.COM>
Subject: Offensive to Women and Nancy Kerrigan
***********************************************************************
Q: Have you heard about the new Nancy Kerrigan special meal
at Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: Two small breasts and a battered leg.
***********************************************************************
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Date: Wed, 1 Jun 1994 07:52:29 PDT
From: Dave Clough <clough@HYSTER.RAIN.COM>
Subject: The Far Side
The Far Side Daily calendar for Tuesday, May 31, 1994:
The scene:
A professor, apparently a botanist, is showing off his flower collection.
He has glass cases of various breeds prominently displayed around the
room. Pointing to a particularly plain piece, which looks like three
petals mounted in the case, he says: "And here's the jewel of my collection,
purchased for a king's ransom from a one-eyed man in Istanbul. ... I give
you Zuzu's petals."
Ha Ha Ha!!! We're all rolling on the floor laughing our heads off. Why?
Actually, no one we've spoken to gets it. If you get it, please e-mail
me (DIRECT, not to the list) your explanation.
No flames, please. This is technically a substantial example of humor.
David Clough
clough@hyster.rain.com
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Date: Wed, 1 Jun 1994 12:17:07 EDT
From: Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: Humor about being born on the wrong side of the world
This wonderful example of international humor was posted on the
listserv list INDIA-D:
Date: Fri, 27 May 1994 15:17:00 +0000 (GMT)
From: Sharath K S <shar@mt747.att.com> Sharath joined HUMOR today,
Subject: Being on the wrong side of the world... WELCOME!
<much interesting stuff omitted>
By the way, for we people <from India> who were born and brought
up in the wrong side of the world, doing things in the wrong way
has become a way of life.
For example,
(a) In India we drive on the wrong side of the road. Even the
cars we produce or drive have steering wheels on the wrong
side.
(b) We pronounce 'Z' as "Jed" instead of "Zee".
(c) We meekly accepted MKS (Meter,Kilogram,Second) system like
the rest of the world while America proudly stuck to the FPS
system.
(d) We use Lakhs & Crores while they use millions & billions.
(e) We dumbly use Celsius while they use Fahrenheit (Cool!).
(f) We play football only using foot. (How restricting! We lack
imagination...)
(g) In restaurants we ask for a bill and pay it with a cheque
unlike here where they ask for check and pay it with a bill
(Dollar bill).
(h) I never realised '#' was the right symbol for pound instead
of a L with a slash until I came here. (How stupid of me...)
(i) While they zoomed past with their cars filled with gallons of
GAS, we keep wondering how do you measure gas in gallons.
(j) We think we have sense of humour while we can't even spell it
right.
Even after coming to the right side of the world if I can't
correct myself, what am I doing here? I should go back to the
wrong side of the world where I belong. On the other hand why
don't the wrong side of the world (Obviously the rest of the
world) change their ways and follow the noble example of USA.
Beats me...
Your listowner invites readers to consider becoming occasional
contributors. Send my LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command (goes
in the message field) GET HUMOR GUIDE (no subject needed when
writing the listserv). I especially encourage international site
members to become contributors. We have 2800+ registered readers
including about 600 international site members from at least 49
countries, but only 14 countries are represented on the C-list.
Having a C-list protects HUMOR from novice accidents & boorish
behavior. HUMOR is rule governed, no censorship, unmoderated.
Recommend HUMOR to like-minded people (I encourage re-distribution
of HUMOR to BBSs, local networks, newsgroups, etc.). Best wishes,
Bill Edwards
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Date: Wed, 1 Jun 1994 09:27:00 PDT
From: Wayland Wasserman (temp) <waylandw@MAILPO2.ASYM2PO.ASYMETRIX.COM>
Subject: FW: Recipe for Jellied Moose Nose
Okay after the Squirels as a form of nutrition I don't have any problems
posting this.
<forwards in the stew pot>
Since I received an overwhelming number of requests for the recipe
for Jellied Moose Nose (actually only one, but sometimes even that is
overwhelming), here it is; from "Northern Cookbook" from the Ministry
of Indian Affairs, Ottawa, Canada, edited by Eleanor A. Ellis
By the way, this is a serious cookbook, compiled for the
inhabitants of the far Canadian north, utilizing the game available in
the area. It is a comprehensive cookbook, with all the sections you
would find in Joy of Cooking, et al. It's just that some of the
recipes are, well... more outstanding than others. Sorry for the
digression, here it is:
Jellied Moose Nose
1 upper jawbone of a moose 1 tsp. salt
1 onion, sliced 1/2 tsp. pepper
1 clove garlic 1/4 cup vinegar
1 Tbs. mixed pickling spice
1. Cut the upper jaw bone of the moose just below the eyes.
2. Place in a large kettle of scalding water and boil for 45 minutes.
3. Remove and chill in cold water.
4. Pull out all the hairs - these will have been loosened by the boiling
and
should come out easily ( like plucking a duck).
5. Wash thoroughly until no hairs remain.
6. Place the nose in a kettle and cover with fresh water.
7. Add onion, garlic, spices and vinegar
8. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat and simmer until the meat is tender.
Let cool overnight in the liquid.
9. When cool, take the meat out of the broth, and remove and discard the
bones and the cartilage. You will have two kinds of meat, white meat
from the bulb of the nose, and thin strips of dark meat from along the
bones and jowls.
10. Slice the meat thinly and alternate layers of white and dark meat in a
loaf pan.
11. Reheat the broth to boiling, then pour the broth over the meat in the
loaf pan.
12. Let cool until jelly has set. Slice and serve cold.
I must confess I have not yet tried this recipe, mainly for lack of a
moose nose... But, sometime, maybe...
More Good eating...
From that same cookbook, 'Northern Cookbook', edited by Eleanor Ellis,
are the following recipes for moose:
MOOSE,
Braised,
Broiled Mooseburgers
Chili con Carne
Eskimo Dry Meat
Head Cheese
Heart, Stuffed
Marinated
Mincemeat
(the infamous) Nose, Jellied
Pemmican
Savoury Steaks
Soup
Stew
Sukiyaki
Swiss Steak
I cannot enter them all, but if any interest you, I'll be happy to
post them. To start, here's the recipe for Braised Moose.
1 4-pound moose roast
3 strips salt pork or thick sliced bacon
1 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. black pepper
1/2 tsp. ground cinnamon
1/4 tsp. ground cloves
1 tsp. dry mustard
4 Tbs. brown sugar
2 1/2 cups water
1/2 cup white wine vinegar
2 Tbs. onion flakes
3 Tbs. flour
1 cup cranberry juice
1 cup milk
1. Remove all fat from the moose roast and wipe well with a clean damp
cloth.
2. Lard the roast as follows:
Cut salt pork or bacon into 1/4 inch strips and chill thoroughly.
Pierce
the moose roast with a sharp knife or skewer at 2-inch intervals and
insert the chilled strips of salt pork or bacon.
3. Place the roast in a glass, earthenware or porcelain bowl.
4. Mix the salt, pepper, cinnamon, cloves, mustard and brown sugar with the
water and vinegar and pour over the moose ( 3 cups of sweet pickle juice
may be used in place of the brown sugar, water and vinegar if desired. )
5. Marinate the roast for 24 to 48 hours, turning it over frequently if the
liquid does not completely cover it.
6. Remove the roast from the marinade and place it in a covered roaster in
a 350 degree oven for approximately one hour.
7. Add onion flakes and cranberry juice and continue roasting until tender.
( about one hour ).
8. Transfer meat to a hot platter. Add flour to the pan drippings and stir
until the flour has absorbed the fat.
9. Add the milk, stirring constantly, until gravy is desired thickness.
Serve hot with the roast.
Serves 6-8.
Happy cooking, ( and I hope you saved the nose ! )
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Date: Wed, 1 Jun 1994 11:58:43 CDT
From: Jim Harris <JHLAR@UKANVM.BITNET>
Subject: Signs of a Rotten Day - Part 1/2 <clean>
You Can Tell It's Going to be a Rotten Day When:
You wake up face down on the pavement.
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
Your son tells you that he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't
any.
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't
have a waterbed.
Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group
of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
.....Part 2 tomorrow, gang.....enjoy & keep grinning so everyone will wonder
what you've been up to!
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Date: Wed, 1 Jun 1994 11:44:14 PDT
From: Cindy Parker <cparker@QUESTS.COM>
Subject: Surefire Conversation Stoppers <clean>
TAKEN FROM MATT GROENING'S "BIG BOOK OF HELL"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You look JUST LIKE my ex-husband."
"I've got four cats, three dogs, and six parakeets."
"I don't care WHAT they say about you -- you're O.K. in my book."
"Spare change?"
"I killed a man once with my bare hands."
"I'm writing a screenplay."
"Tell me the truth: am I stupid?"
"NEVER touch a girl there."
"I hate my mother."
"I literally have hornets flying around inside my brain."
"Can I ask you a personal question?"
"See this gun?"
"I had a dream I was being chased by giant salamis. I wonder what
that meant?"
"What are YOU lookin' at, wiseguy?"
"That's the stupidest thing I ever heard of."
"I don't get it. I just don't get it."
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Cindy Parker - Newport Beach, CA
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Date: Wed, 1 Jun 1994 12:22:15 PDT
From: hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 4.M A collection of clean humor gathered on: 8 Jun 89
----------------------------------------------------
Conversation between my friend Dave and a kid delivering his pizza:
(A true story from back in December)
Dave: How much?
Pizza Kid: It's $8.50
Dave: Let me get a check -
What's the date?
Pizza Kid: December 7th
Dave: Ahh, a day that will live in infamy!
Pizza Kid: Whaaat?
Dave: Today's the day the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor.
Pizza Kid: Oh, well - I haven't seen the news yet.
----------------------------------------------------
Growing up in Texas, I've never figured out why the oil companies are so
widely hated either. My research group is closely tied to the Oil industry.
I would vouch that the oil industry is not particularly evil... although
they do have a strong attachment to 1970's model IBM mainframes (that's
why you don't see many postings from oil companies) that make them
at least a _little_ suspect...
----------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross 200K of apples and lots of garbage?
a core dump
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings;
the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
Cashier (looking at customer's credit card): "Why, I know someone with the
exact same name as you!!!!!"
Customer: "Really? Who?!?"
For me, life at Xerox began nearly 24 years ago at the Military Avenue facility
of Scientific Data Systems. I think the clean desk policy began there.
After the first rain you kept the top of your desk clean because the roof leaked
.
Well, another motto that is like the others, but not from a restaurant, but
a travel agency in Harvard Square:
"Please go away again soon."
When riding the first time I saw this, I thought it was really rude, and the I
saw it was a travel agency...
----------------------------------------------------
Two friends are discussing politics on Election Day, each
trying to no avail to convince the other to switch sides.
Finally, one says to the other: ``Look, it's clear that
we are unalterably opposed on every political issue. Our
votes will surely cancel out. Why not save ourselves some
time and both agree to not vote today?''
The other agrees enthusiastically and they part.
Shortly after that, a friend of the first one who had heard
the conversation says, ``That was a sporting offer you made.''
``Not really,'' says the second. This is the third time I've
done this today.
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Date: Wed, 1 Jun 1994 17:55:02 -0400
From: Thomas E. Arcuri <TARCURI@CCMAIL.SUNYSB.EDU>
Subject: Snaps (offensive Mother & family jokes)
From the "Imas in the Morning Show" (from the authors of the book "Snaps")
You mother is so short and ugly, I saw a fireman trying
to attach a hose to her breast!
You mother is so fat, she's on both sides of the family!
Your mother is so fat, she was baptized at SeaWorld!
Your Aunt is so skinny, she was baptized in a straw!
Your sister's butt is so high, she has to take it to rehab!
You're mother is so dumb, the first time she used a vibrator,
she chipped 2 teeth!
Your mother is so dumb, she thought liposuction is another word
for "blowjob"!
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Date: Wed, 1 Jun 1994 21:19:13 -0400
From: Mark Adams <ADAMS_M@COMPSC.MERCER.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Speech Recoginition <Clean>
Hi again all! Hope this hasn't been on here before.
I don't believe I've seen it this year :)
----- Bunch of headers deleted to conserve bandwith -----
>From: Bradford.Wetmore@ebay.sun.com (Brad R. Wetmore)
>Subject: Speech Recoginition is a Good Thing
>At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a vendor was demo'ing
>his company's latest speech recognition software. He was just about
>ready to start the demo, and asked everyone in the room to quiet down.
>Just as he was ready to start, someone from the back of the room
>yelled, "FORMAT C : RETURN"
Mark
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Date: Wed, 1 Jun 1994 22:18:07 EST
From: Angel Dey <DEY@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Man and dog joke
What does a man and a hot dog have in common?
The man wears trousers, and the dog pants.
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Date: Wed, 1 Jun 1994 21:37:42 -0500
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Jewish humor (clean)
A New York Jew, on a vacation tour to Beijing, China, wandered away
from his group and was walking alone. He came upon a building with
a Star of David above the doorway. He peered in a window and saw a
lighted Menorah. On a table, he spied what he was certain was a
Torah. Thinking he had found a Synagogue, he excitedly knocked on
the door. It was opened by an impeccably coifed and dressed,
stereotypically Mandarin Chinese gentleman who eyed him suspiciously.
The New York Jew blurted out, "Hey, I'm sure glad to find you! I'm
Jewish and I didn't think I'd find any Jews in China!" The Mandarin
looked him over once more and said, "That's funny; you don't *look* Jewish."
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Date: Wed, 1 Jun 1994 21:15:35 -0700
From: Bob Lennard <blennard@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: David Letterman's Top Ten List for 06/01/94
-----> Wednesday, June 1, 1994 <-----
[Original Air Date: February 28, 1994]
========
Opening:
========
From New York, try our Times Square bisque, it's the Late Show with
David Letterman. Tonight - Garry Shandling, Sting, and Indy car
champion, Nigel Mansell. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And
now, a man who'll represent you in your IRS audit, David Letterman.
=====================================================
Top Ten Signs Your CIA Colleague May Be A Russian Spy
=====================================================
10. Knows hundreds of recipes for turnips
9. Took sick day to tape "Maury Povich Show" when topic was `I married
a Russian spy'
8. Drinks Russian dressing like it's soda pop
7. At annual CIA/KGB softball game, always seems to make error that
loses game for CIA
6. Keeps frozen corpse of Lenin displayed on desk
5. Takes a lot of "souvenir photos" of classified documents
4. When Bruce Springsteen comes on the radio, he says, "Commrade Boss
is good, no?"
3. Always bragging about the time he nailed Mrs. Yeltsin
2. Wears one of them big-ass fuzzy hats
1. Everywhere you look: borscht
--
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