Digest for Friday, March 03, 2000
There are 6 messages totalling 308 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Daffynitions
- They want a baby
- Determine YOUR Psychological Profile
- True Ensemble Playing [post at next rehearsal]
- More Groaners
- Humor: Owls
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Date: Fri, 3 Mar 2000 06:44:54 -0500
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Daffynitions
The following are from the Washington Post Style Invitational
(a weekly contest for readers). The idea is to redefine words
from the dictionary.
Abdicate -- v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Willy-nilly -- adj., impotent.
Flabbergasted -- adj., appalled over how much weight you have
gained.
Negligent -- adj., describes a condition in which you absent
mindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Gargoyle -- n., an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
Bustard -- n., a very rude Metrobus driver.
Coffee -- n., a person who is coughed upon.
Flatulence -- n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after
you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash -- n., a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle -- n., a humorous question on an exam.
Semantics -- n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the
priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the
priest's prayer book together just before vespers.
Rectitude -- n., the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Marionettes -- n., residents of Washington who have been jerked
around by the mayor.
Oyster -- n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions.
Circumvent -- n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bssixteen/
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Date: Fri, 3 Mar 2000 07:03:59 -0600
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: They want a baby
A man and a woman had been married for ten years and decided to try
and have kids. They had not been using birth control for the entire
time they had been married, so they thought they may have a problem
conceiving.
The woman decided to go to the gynecologist and see if the problem
was with her. She had been hard of hearing since she was a small child.
The doctor examined her and came in to give her his opinions.
He said, "I'm sorry, but the problem is with you. You have insufficient
passion and if you ever have a baby it will be a miracle."
The woman was very upset and went home crying. Her husband got home and
asked her what was wrong.
She said, "The doctor told me I've got a fish in my passage and if I
ever have a baby it will be a mackerel."
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Date: Fri, 3 Mar 2000 09:49:48 -0500
From: Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Determine YOUR Psychological Profile <HUMOR>
Well, here it is a Friday. Just the kind of day to stop for a
moment of self-reflection. Today's psychological profiling tool
comes off the web and MUST be authentic because it had generations
of those ">" marks in it. jhm
When you step into a shower, which part of the body do you wash
first?
a) chest
b) face
c) armpits
d) hair
e) privates
f) shoulders
g) others
The following describes your character:
a) Chest
You are practical person. Straightforward and do not beat around the bush.
To you, convenience is of paramount importance. You hate to be distracted
when concentrating and are impatient with people who do not see things your
way. A good sex partner and willing to try new things. Your best partner in
life will be those who chose d) hair.
b) Face
Money is important to you and you will do anything to get it. Integrity and
dignity is not important. You feel that friends are there to be used and
life is one big hassle. Other people find it hard to understand you but you
are not concerned as to what they think. Very self-centered person. Average
sex partner as too selfish and tend to be absorbed in self pleasure at the
expense of your partner. Your best partner in life will be those who chose
e)privates and g) others.
c) Armpits
You are a dependable and hard working person. Generally a very popular
person as you are very down to earth and willing to help others. Tend to
get
yourself into trouble as you cannot tell whether people are genuine towards
you. Make very poor sex partners as you are the working type with average
talent. Your best partner in life will be those who chose f)shoulders.
d) Hair
Artistic type. Daydreaming is your hobby but you can achieve what most
other
people cannot. Dedication is lacking but you will work tirelessly towards
goals which are to your liking. Money is not important. Friends are but
only
intellectuals and fellow artistic types. Make the best sex partners as you
are most willing to explore and please the other partner. Talent is your
main strength. Your best partner in life will be those who chose a) chest
and e) privates.
e) Privates
Shy type. You lack self confidence and tend to be bullied by others. You do
not have lots of friends as others find you boring and
unattractive.Perseverance is not your strength and you tend to give up
easily and at the first opportunity. However, you make an above average
sex partner. You are able to show your true emotions to very few people.
Hence in sex, you find your inner strengths. Your best partner in life will
be those who chose b) face and d) hair.
f) Shoulder
A born loser. You fail in everything that you do. People dislike you and
you
tend to spend your time alone. Your type have been known to be heavy
gamblers and drinkers. You see the world as a living hell. Money and power
is also important to you. But your luck will always fail you. You make a
lousy sex partner. You will find it difficult to find a partner in life.
Those who chose c) armpits are your only chance.
g) Others
You are a very average person. Undoubtedly, you have your inner strengths
but people find it hard to see. You must learn to be a little bit more
adventurous and sell your potential. Deep down, you are a very likeable
person with very few faults. However, the key will be to make your
strengths stand out and not just hide your weaknesses. You are an average
sex partner. You have great fantasies about different techniques but
unfortunately are not brave enough to try them out. Your best partner in
life will be those who chose b) face.
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Date: Fri, 3 Mar 2000 10:30:55 -0500
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: True Ensemble Playing [post at next rehearsal]
Golden Rules For Ensemble Playing (or singing)
1. Everyone should play the same piece.
2. Stop at every repeat sign, and discuss in detail whether to take
the repeat or not. The audience will love this a lot!
3. If you play a wrong note, give a nasty look to one of your partners.
4. Keep your fingering chart handy. You can always catch up with
the others.
5. Carefully tune your instrument before playing. That way you can
play out of tune all night with a clear conscience.
6. Take your time turning pages.
7. The right note at the wrong time is a wrong note (and vice versa).
8. If everyone gets lost except you, follow those who get lost.
9. Strive to get the maximum NPS (note per second). That way you gain
the admiration of the incompetent.
10. Markings for slurs, dynamics and ornaments should not be observed.
They are only there to embellish the score.
11. If a passage is difficult, slow down. If it's easy, speed it up.
Everything will work itself out in the end.
12. If you are completely lost, stop everyone and say, "I think we
should tune".
13. Happy are those who have not perfect pitch, for the kingdom of music
is theirs.
14. If the ensemble has to stop because of you, explain in detail why
you got lost. Everyone will be very interested.
15. A true interpretation is realized when there remains not one note
of the original.
16. When everyone else has finished playing, you should not play
any notes you have left.
17. A wrong note played timidly is a wrong note. A wrong note played
with authority is an interpretation.
(from frere Jacques)
***********************
"Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung."
-- Voltaire
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Date: Fri, 3 Mar 2000 08:04:32 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: More Groaners
1 An inventor was a consummate beer drinker. He and his friends had
chug-a-lug contests, but the inventor could never win. One of his
friends always quaffed more steins of brew in less time than he could.
Then, he got a brilliant idea, and carved a small niche in one side of
his beer mug that allowed the liquid to pour into his mouth at a much
faster rate, and he won the chug-a-lug contest. Which just goes to prove
a niche in stein saves time. (By Dave Coble)
2 After the Ark had successfully landed on Mt Ararat,
the survivors went forth. After a while, one of the wives noticed her
father-in-law sitting on the ground and chewing animal hides. Every now
and then, the father-in-law would chew a particularly hirsute hide and
make a notation on a tablet. The wife asked her husband what his father
was doing, to which the son replied, "What can I say, there is Noah
counting fur tastes".
3 I was driving along this country road when I saw this field with all
kinds of cars, trucks, and other assorted metal objects in the center of
it. As I got closer, my car suddenly accelerated and tore off across the
field slamming into all the junk.
As I was extricating myself from what used to be my car, this old
farmer rolls up on a horse drawn buggy. After he helped me out, I asked
him what the heck would make my car do that, and what is with all this
metal junk in the middle of his field.
"Well, son," he replied, "You see, this is a magnetic field." (By Dano)
4 MADRID, Spain -
A most unusual court case of attempted murder has
captivated this historic city. A man, Jorge Fuentes has been charged AND
CONVICTED of attempted murder of his wife.
It seems he trained their talking bird to drive his wife
to suicide. The bird would constantly repeat, "End it all" and "Life is
not worth living".
The bird was brought in to court and "performed" for the
judge. After hearing the bird, the judge and jury convicted Jorge.
The bird was not convicted because it was a Minah.
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Date: Fri, 3 Mar 2000 14:11:49 -0600
From: Rowe, Thomas <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Owls <non offensive>
This is from today's "Uncle John's Bathroom Reader Calendar" - I did,
however, change the names used, just in case....But the rest is verbatim.
Printed in the Portland Oregonian:
"Each evening birdlover Tom Rowe stood in his backyard in Devon, England,
hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl called back to him. For a year,
the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. Rowe even kept a
log of the 'conversation.' Just as Rowe thought he was on the verge of a
breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with next
door neighbor, Nancy Hollis.
"My husband spends his nights... calling out to owls," said Mrs. Rowe.
"That's odd," Mrs. Hollis replied. "So does my John."
"Then it dawned on them."
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